


Ghost of Myself

by nerdyostrich



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Amnesia, Destiel - Freeform, Journal, M/M, diminishing grace, i have this things for memory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-31
Updated: 2012-12-31
Packaged: 2017-11-23 01:22:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/616505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdyostrich/pseuds/nerdyostrich
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Castiel returns from Purgatory, he keeps a journal of his slowly diminishing Grace.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ghost of Myself

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally supposed to be a part of a larger work, but I abandoned the idea after I realized how much time it would take.  
> So here, have some journal feels.

**September 2014**

It is strange, being back in the world. Though I am glad to be back, despite the fact that I do not deserve to be back, there are things troubling me.

 

Dean and I do not speak. I understand why. Still it makes my heart ache. ~~Is it because I lo~~

 

I am feeling more… human. It scares and excites me.

 

I am starting to forget things. I no longer remember what the first words ever spoken to me were. All I know is that they mattered, but I can’t remember. ~~I can’t~~

 

This frightens me.

 

——————————————————————————————————————————

 

The leaves began to fall outside the motel window today. It reminded me of how Gabriel used to show me the autumn before he went away. I miss those times. ~~I don’t want to forget.~~

 

I told Dean about this. There was a flicker of something in his eyes before he said something under his breath and walked away. I think he said _I’m sorry_. I’m sorry too, Dean. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry that you regret what happened. ~~I don’t regret it.~~

**October 201** 4

We spoke in private for the first time since my return today. I was drunk and he was angry, but it was better than nothing. His anger is better than his indifference.

 

He said he does not regret what happened, but that he was frightened. ~~I am frightened too~~. I asked how it feels to be in love and he replied with this,

 

”Being in love sucks. It hurts. It makes you want to rip your heart out so you can’t feel a damn thing. The person you love becomes your everything; your light, your air, your death. It’s sick, twisted and painful. The worst part is that you enjoy every second of it and when you lose it, all you want is for the pain to return.”

 

I can still remember his words perfectly. ~~I cannot remember what Gabriel told me that day on the beach.~~ I asked Dean why you want the pain to return. Why would you want the pain? He said,

 

”Because the pain is better than being empty, being lost.”

 

And I can understand that. He asked me if I have ever loved someone so much it hurts and I have, I do. It’s him. It has always been him. I asked him the same and he said that I, of all people should know. Then he left me and I know that I have lost it all. ~~But that is what I deserve after what I did to hi~~

 

——————————————————————————————————————————

 

I see shadows in the light. They call to me, whispering of my guilt. Sometimes I listen to them.

 

The coming Apocalypse is taking a toll on us all and I am useless. Dean and Sam say I do matter, that I am of use, but I know that they are lying.

 

I used to be everything.

Now I am nothing.

 

**November 2014**

Dean Winchester was the one who taught me how to lie. I still remember that.

 

It’s November. The world is grey and cold. I am fine.

 

~~ Was I convincing enough, Dean? Did you believe me? Perhaps repeating it will make it more true. ~~

 

I am fine.

I am fine.

I am fine.

 

~~ _I am not fine._ ~~

 

——————————————————————————————————————————

 

Perhaps I should tell Dean, but then again, _no_. He already has to carry so much. He does not need to be burdened with my problems.

 

I no longer remember the name of the brother who showed me the autumn. Was he even my brother? Why did he go away? I miss him, though I do not know who he is.

 

More things are slipping away and it is scaring me. What if I forget _him_?

 

I don’t want to forget.

I don’t want to forget.

I don’t want to forget.

 

I want to remember.

~~ I want to ~~

~~~~

**December 2014**   


We celebrated the holiday of Christmas yesterday. Despite its many inaccuracies, I had fun. We exchanged gifts (I was given a new tie by Sam and a shotgun from Dean, ~~but I could not thank them because they only reminded me of what I used to be and what I am now)~~

 

I coughed up more of my Grace and blood, but I hid it from them. They need not be troubled by me, ~~someone~~ something that does not matter. We have enough worries.

 

Dean drank too much eggnog. By the end of the night, he was holding my hand. I did not let go. ~~Never again.~~

 

I don’t remember Hell. I don’t remember my brothers’ names. My first memory is holding Dean’s soul in my arms. ~~Did I even have arms I cannot remember my true f~~

 

——————————————————————————————————————————

 

We celebrate the New Year tomorrow and I am lost in the hopes that Dean will kiss me again. It is wrong of me to hope, but I do not care. I do not care. For once, I will dare to hope. ~~And it will destroy everyth~~

 

More and more is slipping away, but I hold onto one thing. Dean. I will rather forget myself before I forget him, because without him I am nothing.

 

——————————————————————————————————————————

 

I told him and he wept.

 

He promised to stop it. I know that he will try, but it will be pointless. You can’t save everyone, my love.

 

**January 2015**

My name is Cas. There is something else too, but I can’t remember.

 

I coughed blood today and it was glowing. Is there something wrong with me? I used to be special, I know that much. I know nothing else.

 

All I remember is Cas and _him_. I remember Dean. He remembers not me, but the person that was before Cas. I can see in his eyes that he hates what I have become. When I ask who I used to be, he looks away and says that it doesn’t matter.

 

His brother, Samuel but he prefers Sam, told me that Dean has told me who I used to be many times before, but I keep forgetting. It frightens me, ~~but perhaps it is not meant for me to remember.~~

 

——————————————————————————————————————————

 

All I remember is how much I love him.

 

I don’t know my name or who I am. He calls me _Cas_ , but I don’t respond because I am not Cas. ~~Not anymore.~~

 

It was his birthday yesterday and he kissed me. It made me so very happy, but it did not happen again. I don’t think he kissed me. I think he kissed whoever I used to be. He does not love me, he loves who I used to be. I don’t blame him. ~~I could never bla~~

 

I wish I could remember what we used to be, but I can’t. I can’t, Dean, and I am so sorry.

 

I am sorry.

I am sorry.

~~ I can’t ~~

**February 2015**   


Even he is fading away now. I only know that I love him and I don’t know his name. I know that it is the most important word in the universe but I don’t remember. It feels like I am empty and nothing matters.

 

——————————————————————————————————————————

 

I will run from him. He must not see me like this.

 

I have caused him enough pain.

 

**March 2015**

Two men found me in the forest today and called me ”Cas”. What an odd name.

 

I have no memory of me or them. When they look at me, they don’t see me. They see the man I used to be and it angers me. I am here, I am me! I am not who I used to be. I just want to be accepted for the person I am today.

 

They look at me, but I am invisible to them. They see a ghost long gone.

 

——————————————————————————————————————————

 

I read what the person I used to be has written in this journal and I wept for his troubles. He did not deserve this. _I_ did not deserve this.

 

I must agree with what Dean said. The pain is better than nothing and I would give anything to feel it again, because maybe then they could see me again.

 

~~ I just want to be seen for who I am. ~~

 

I am a ghost of myself.

 

**April 2015**

It doesn’t feel right, writing in Cas’s journal, but I feel like I have to.

 

Cas, or the guy who used to be Cas, ran away last night. Left a note saying he went ”looking for the pain again so that you can see me”. Reading what he wrote, it hurts.

 

This is Dean, by the way. If this is some kind of echo or whatever back to ~~my~~ Castiel, I am so sorry for what has happened to you. I will find you and save you.

 

I love you too.

 

**May 2015**

I found you yesterday, Cas.

 

You found the pain.

 

I miss you.

I love you.

 

Please come back to me. ~~Please co~~


End file.
